Conflicted...

This is how our morning went... I had an errand to run across town, so I strapped Tyler into his car seat about 9 am hoping that he would sleep in the car during his “normal” nap time. I do not remember the last time that he slept during his “normal” nap time, but I'm trying. So we are listening to his music, dancing along in the car and he does not fall asleep. We get to said destination, do what we need to do and get back in the car. I am still hoping that he will fall asleep. I packed my laptop in preparation for having to hang out in the car for a little while, so we're all good. We pull up to the last major stop light before home and he's getting really fussy. I try to appease him with my keys, but no good, still crying. I glance at the clock, realize that most of his nap time is gone and it's about time for him to nurse again. I tell him that we'll be home in a few. I secretly hope that if I get him in the house and nurse him right away, he'll fall asleep and I can put him down for a few minutes, even though this is against Dr. Ferber's teaching (more to come on that)... our house is on the end of a LONG street, so we're half way to home when he gets quiet. Literally four doors down from home and NOW he falls asleep. Seriously??

So I do what any mother whose child has not napped in two days... I pull into the driveway, throw the car in reverse and keep driving! If I stop now, he'll wake up because he's not asleep enough. I crank the air up to high to make the car as cool as possible and look for a shady spot to park. A shady spot with internet connection would be ideal, but alas, I'm willing to type now, post later! So now I'm sitting under a tree in the parking lot of an abandoned Kmart, with a Tow Truck Driver parked the next row over. I wonder if he (or she) is blogging too? It just feels good to get some things out and in black and white on the page! A lot has been going on here in the past few days- I really need Blogger to come up with a way for me to post telepathically, because I have all of these things floating around in my head that need out and no time to actually sit down and type them.

The biggest thing right now... I have a job interview tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about this. Mostly I am HUGELY excited. Excited because someone actually values my skill set enough to want to talk to me about a job. Excited because even though the interview is not until 6 pm and my husband will likely be home LONG before then, he would not commit to being home by then (God forbid he have to alter his life to make sure our child is cared for!), so I get to hire a babysitter! She has a 4 hour minimum, so she will be coming to my house two hours BEFORE I have to leave for said interview and staying until at least 7 pm when my husband is sure to be home and ready to take care of Tyler. For an hour. Before he goes to bed. But I digress... The thought of having TWO hours PLUS drive time PLUS interview time whereby someone else is temporarily responsible for my child is enough to make me giddy!!!!!! Honestly, I'm a little excited about the job too. I don't want to talk too much about it since it's JUST an interview- I didn't even have to go through a phone interview first, so I'm really walking in there blind, but still! I am trying to take one thing at a time and I don't want to get any hopes up.

So now to the mixed feelings part... I feel a little like a poser mom... there were other people who got laid off at the same time that I did. They all said that they were going to “do the stay at home mom thing” too. When they ultimately found jobs, my first thought was something snarky along the lines of, “Couldn't hack it as a stay at home mom, huh?” or “Just using that stay at home thing as an excuse in case you couldn't get a job, huh?” I immediately remind myself not to judge- I don't know their entire situation or that might be me one day, but the first gut reaction- not a nice one. So now here I am, with an interview- just an interview- and I am jumping up and down and squealing like a little girl, ready to run back to work at the first opportunity. I feel like I haven't really given this stay at home thing enough of a shot. Going back to work now feels like a bit of a failure, like I couldn't hack it- couldn't figure out how to raise my own kid and take care of my own house.

I think about putting Tyler in day care- trying to decide who to trust with our precious little boy and my stomach seizes up. What kind of mom willingly chooses to hand her child over to virtual strangers if she does not absolutely positively have to? When I worked before, my husband was only working every other week, so we had a woman come to our home to keep Tyler for the weeks my husband worked. Because we were only paying her every other week, it was cost effective. At this point, though, he's back working every week and she is not available every week, nor cost effective. If we are going to pay her every week, my earnings pretty much go right to her. Daycare is more affordable, but also new territory for us and something that my husband does not really want to do. I don't particularly want to put him in daycare, BUT... (see below for the BUT, a.k.a. The Rationalization.)

So my rationalization- our financial situation is perilous at best. My husband is self employed with a business that's not quite 3 years old. It's doing very well, but in this economy, with these credit restrictions, things are tight. We have been living off my severance package- he's yet to draw a paycheck from the business. His business picks up in the Spring and Summer, so he wanted the opportunity to see how much he could grow the business this season and see where things were. He's done a great job with marketing and picked up a lot of accounts, but I just don't know how he can go to pulling nothing from the business to pulling everything we need to cover expenses from the business. Also, we have health insurance through the end of July, but then will have to start paying quite a lot for it. Bottom line is that I like to know exactly how my bills are going to be paid. I like to know that there is going to be a pretty regular stream of money coming in and I don't know that right now. I supposed that even if I had a job, I wouldn't know that since they were so quick to end my last job, but at least I had an idea and some warning. Things are much more unstable with my husband's business, as they would be with any small business.

So that's where I am- conflicted, feeling guilty for being so excited at the prospect of leaving my child every day, and gearing up for a possible battle with my husband, who does not want to entertain the idea of me going back to work. I never thought that this would be my life. I'm really having a hard time reconciling where I am with where I thought I would be and the parent that I am versus the parent that I thought I would be. Any ideas? Suggestions? Criticisms? I'll take them all right now... just trying to figure out what's right.